I am in a relationship….
I. am in a relationship…
<deep sigh> I. am. in. a. relationship.
So, Hi there. My name is Ash… And… ok. I, am in a relationship…
I couldn’t have dreamed of this relationship any better than it is. I mean last weekend we took our new projector and hung a sheet in our backyard and watched movies outdoors on our patio on a blow up mattress while we drank beer and grilled out. We are going on an overnight kayak/camping trip this weekend. 3 weekends ago we were in Colorado climbing Pikes Peak… I could not have drawn up a more exciting companion. We have similar goals, we love a lot of the same things and we take adventures together. But? I am in a relationship.
This was my doomsday. This was my demise. I dreaded it at all costs… and yet?
It’s been almost one year with one of the most beautiful men I have ever laid eyes on. He’s tall, slender but defined, very well-endowed, has the most strikingly stunning green/hazel eyes that pierce through my heart like a freshly sharpened blade in butter.
His mind tinkers away on processes and technical procedures. He loves to know how stuff works and how he can make things from that knowledge. He listens to books while he works, and reads a lot of science fiction, and has the most mind-blowing thoughts on alternate universes, gravity theories, space and time relativity and the like. He loves to work on motorcycles and his truck. He builds things – he’s incredibly talented with his hands (and not only on mechanical or handy projects… ahem…) He’s consistent. He’s steady. He’s stable. He’s so God Damn creative and makes lamps out of motorcycle parts, or benches for our table, or welds frames out of aluminum for my paintings.
He’s thorough. Will do things correctly, one time. He will take the time to analyze the best approach, research solutions to problems that arise, and he will do a damn good job at whatever he starts. He takes forever in finishing a project sometimes (well, to me, an impatient A-type moron, it feels like it takes forever – but to me, 20 minutes also feels like forever…). But he finishes his projects.
His heart is equally as incredible. He’s kind, has values and morals and ethical codes he adheres to. He can relate to people, he wants to learn and grow and he asks questions of himself and of the world. He doesn’t get angry easily, he’s even tempered… He. Is. Perfect. Of course not literally. He has his quirks that will eventually grate on me and probably make me want to rip out those stunningly beautiful green/hazel eyes… and he definitely has his moments of disagreeable words… But? I am in love. Utterly, smitten, head over heels, I-want-his-baby-but-I-hate-babies, in love.
For a little context on this, and why a relationship was not supposed to be in the cards for me… I am skeptical. I am a truth seeker, I am an over-achiever at heart, and I am aggressive. I see something I want, I work my ass off and I go get it. I have a lot of self confidence and a lot of willpower which has been a source of contempt and a source of joy. I am a career gal. Never wanted kids or the family life as portrayed on movies or Television. I wanted to take over the world and become a great business guru and mogul and I wanted to have a huge company and be very powerful and wealthy. I wanted to have my own Amazon, or Microsoft, or AirBnB… And that might still be in the works, with enough elbow grease, candle-making and magic as I can muster, but mostly? I wanted to be single.
I am in love. Utterly, smitten, head over heels, I-want-his-baby-but-I-hate-babies, in love.
I married a man because I was lonely at the time and figuring myself out and thought that I needed companionship. I then, a very short, but torturous, 5 years later, was divorced… and I had been convinced that love was a joke. A thing that people said was real, but really were lying to themselves and to others because they were weak and needed a relationship and because, well, fuck… I hadn’t ever found it. I thought I had come close – but respect is just too big a factor I learned as a part of being in love for me, and there just aren’t a lot of men I respect. But I respect Him. With my whole heart I respect him. I thought, Maybe I was too practical to actually be in love. I thought, my God, maybe I am too hard or too rough to be in love.
I often get described as hard, or intimidating, but gracious… But, maybe love requires a softness or something that I just didn’t possess. I am serious – serious as cancer. I thought love was a lie. Like a G-spot, or like orgasms without touch, or like women’s orgasms in porn (I still don’t buy it. I call bullshit on all of those things.) But fuck me if this shit isn’t real. I mean, holy fuck – I have been sexing this guy since November of 2015. That’s 10 months now. I typically lose complete interest after 6. Starts waning around month 3… And here I am… still pummeled when I see him sleeping naked in our bed, wrapped up in our disheveled comforter and freshly consummated the night before sheets. Just simply, slapped-upside-my-head, dumbfounded, fuck-me, totally baffled at how I found this beautiful man and I get to keep him in my bed, and between my legs for however long I get to keep him. And I am in awe at how we met at just the right times in our lives and how I am more and more attracted to his mind, body and heart (and cock) every single day than I was even in the beginning. I didn’t think this was possible. And it’s possible.
So this is my current state. We are going through some small tough patches, we are walking through some interesting issues, but he loves me. He tells me he loves me and that he intends on spending the rest of his life with me. And yet? I am skeptical. I mentioned I am skeptical, yes? I am skeptical because people change, stories change, love changes. There are no guarantees in life, but for now? For now I rest in this love, and rest in his arms, and rest in our life we currently have… But I will definitely need a place to sort out these issues… So, if you care and want to hear more… Stay tuned…
Secretly Awaiting Doomsday,