Life is funny, man. I see life as these characters you’d find in a book…
We have Life as The Whisper – He whispers, ever so softly behind and around you, that you aren’t even sure you heard correctly… furthermore, you aren’t sure whether you should heed what you thought you heard, or not. Sometimes he’s the silent internal force that you just can’t ignore… He’s screaming, and no one can hear but you.
Next up, Life is Mary – the angry Catholic school teacher. She slams your wrists with a ruler, halting your steps, banishing you from places, and punishing you for shit that may or may or may not be your fault.
And Lastly we have Amo – this fluid amoeba. Amo is seemingly always there, quietly and slowly changing forms. Before you know it, life is unrecognizable…
And all three of these characters of life work in congruence – sometimes even manifesting at the same time.
I know The Whisper. I know the thoughts in the back of my mind, or the subtle hints or signs that he peppers along my path. Am I supposed to follow that path? Should I have said that thing? Should I take that class? Like, choosing to go into the MBA program after finishing my BA? The Whisper – All whispers…
I know Mary, that righteous bitch, imposing herself and her ways on my worldview. Beating me into submission, ceasing that path… Well, that door is forever fucking shut… ouch. Like, up and quitting my job to pursue education in fine art? Yep, Mary moment, fo sho.
And I know Amo, the fluid, amoeba that stretches and bends, flattens and puffs up, ever so slowly. How the hell did I end up here? Never did I ever think that my life would turn out to look like THIS… Like, how the job I currently have came about… Am I even me? What am I doing here? How did I end up here? Fucking Amo.
I am okay with all of this. Hell, I welcome it. I don’t like too much consistency (and then again, there are some things I really wish would remain consistent – like my desire for working out, for example… where’s that character?) But I think the biggest thing I am learning right now is when to impose my own will into this so-called life, and when I should step back and let those fuckers ‘drive’ for a while.
I think this has to do with timing and circumstance, but I’m no life expert. And I’ve done both… I’ve waited for the “right” times to inject my will into my life and I have also injected my will right smack dab in the middle of the “wrong” times. I’ve also let life drive at the “right” and “wrong” times, too – or, perhaps it’s that I let those 3 fuckers drive too long… But all the while, we have these choices with each character of life.
I can’t quite figure it out entirely… And it’s my greatest fear I have, like the choose your own adventure books, that I somehow have chosen incorrectly. I’ve somehow cursed myself to a fate that I didn’t want at all – Victim instead of Conqueror of The Whisper, Mary and Amo… All from my own choices.
I know I imposed my will when I quit my job to pursue art (fuck you Amo, I am making you change forms – because, well, I think The Whisper said so…?). Yes, that door slammed shut in my face with a great blow to the ego (Mary, you sly bitch).
But, eventually that path brought about a series of better paying jobs in the end (does that mean it “worked out?” Or did Amo just win out yet again?). But that (money) wasn’t my desire, nor reasoning for quitting… I mean, somehow, I’ve come full circle and again exist in a job I don’t like, just as equally as when I quit that one. I just have more money in my misery. (Cue The Whisper as he re-enters the scene…)
Sometimes these characters back you into a corner. You can’t let them drive anymore, they won’t allow it. It’s battle time. You gotta fight them out of the front seat… You have to choose your own adventure. Other times you need to go into hiding – just go with the first option and save your choosing energy – and let your health bar recover.
However, I wonder as I sit and write this all out – could they each have a good side and bad side too? Could life’s seemingly cruel characters be really working for our good, to push us to evolving into greater humans?
I haven’t gotten far enough along in my adventure to see this theory play out entirely. Right now, The Whisper, Mary and Amo just seem like a bunch of jerks making life really, really hard and sometimes even hopeless. But perhaps The Whisper keeps putting me in these positions where I consider and choose my most authentic path? Perhaps Mary is secretly slamming those doors shut to paths that won’t serve me? And perhaps Amo is in process of shape-shifting into a life that really is beautiful, one that I’ll be proud of?
I sure fucking hope so. Maybe I don’t need to conquer them. Maybe I need to join them, or at least welcome some of their hard, life lessons. Maybe I need to just keep reading, and choosing along the way, and let go of the fear that I have a fate that is not optimal. Because we don’t know, do we?
I hope I don’t fuck this up. I hope I can’t fuck it up as long as I am still playing. I hope my adventure ends with a victory….