Life

Turn to page 42 to Accept. Turn to page 67 to Decline.

Life is funny, man.  I see life as these characters you’d find in a book…

We have Life as The Whisper – He whispers, ever so softly behind and around you, that you aren’t even sure you heard correctly… furthermore, you aren’t sure whether you should heed what you thought you heard, or not. Sometimes he’s the silent internal force that you just can’t ignore… He’s screaming, and no one can hear but you.

Next up, Life is Mary – the angry Catholic school teacher.  She slams your wrists with a ruler, halting your steps, banishing you from places, and punishing you for shit that may or may or may not be your fault.

And Lastly we have Amo – this fluid amoeba.  Amo is seemingly always there, quietly and slowly changing forms.  Before you know it, life is unrecognizable…

And all three of these characters of life work in congruence – sometimes even manifesting at the same time.  

I know The Whisper.  I know the thoughts in the back of my mind, or the subtle hints or signs that he peppers along my path.  Am I supposed to follow that path?  Should I have said that thing? Should I take that class?  Like, choosing to go into the MBA program after finishing my BA? The Whisper – All whispers…

I know Mary, that righteous bitch, imposing herself and her ways on my worldview. Beating me into submission, ceasing that path… Well, that door is forever fucking shut…  ouch.  Like, up and quitting my job to pursue education in fine art? Yep, Mary moment, fo sho.

And I know Amo, the fluid, amoeba that stretches and bends, flattens and puffs up, ever so slowly.  How the hell did I end up here?  Never did I ever think that my life would turn out to look like THIS… Like, how the job I currently have came about… Am I even me?  What am I doing here? How did I end up here? Fucking Amo.

I am okay with all of this.  Hell, I welcome it. I don’t like too much consistency (and then again, there are some things I really wish would remain consistent – like my desire for working out, for example… where’s that character?)  But I think the biggest thing I am learning right now is when to impose my own will into this so-called life, and when I should step back and let those fuckers ‘drive’ for a while.

I think this has to do with timing and circumstance, but I’m no life expert.  And I’ve done both… I’ve waited for the “right” times to inject my will into my life and I have also injected my will right smack dab in the middle of the “wrong” times.  I’ve also let life drive at the “right” and “wrong” times, too – or, perhaps it’s that I let those 3 fuckers drive too long… But all the while, we have these choices with each character of life.

I can’t quite figure it out entirely… And it’s my greatest fear I have, like the choose your own adventure books, that I somehow have chosen incorrectly.  I’ve somehow cursed myself to a fate that I didn’t want at all – Victim instead of Conqueror of The Whisper, Mary and Amo… All from my own choices.

I know I imposed my will when I quit my job to pursue art (fuck you Amo, I am making you change forms – because, well, I think The Whisper said so…?).  Yes, that door slammed shut in my face with a great blow to the ego (Mary, you sly bitch).  

But, eventually that path brought about a series of better paying jobs in the end (does that mean it “worked out?”  Or did Amo just win out yet again?). But that (money) wasn’t my desire, nor reasoning for quitting… I mean, somehow, I’ve come full circle and again exist in a job I don’t like, just as equally as when I quit that one.  I just have more money in my misery. (Cue The Whisper as he re-enters the scene…)

Sometimes these characters back you into a corner.  You can’t let them drive anymore, they won’t allow it.  It’s battle time. You gotta fight them out of the front seat… You have to choose your own adventure. Other times you need to go into hiding – just go with the first option and save your choosing energy – and let your health bar recover.

However, I wonder as I sit and write this all out – could they each have a good side and bad side too?  Could life’s seemingly cruel characters be really working for our good, to push us to evolving into greater humans?

I haven’t gotten far enough along in my adventure to see this theory play out entirely.  Right now, The Whisper, Mary and Amo just seem like a bunch of jerks making life really, really hard and sometimes even hopeless.  But perhaps The Whisper keeps putting me in these positions where I consider and choose my most authentic path?  Perhaps Mary is secretly slamming those doors shut to paths that won’t serve me?  And perhaps Amo is in process of shape-shifting into a life that really is beautiful, one that I’ll be proud of?

I sure fucking hope so.  Maybe I don’t need to conquer them.  Maybe I need to join them, or at least welcome some of their hard, life lessons.  Maybe I need to just keep reading, and choosing along the way, and let go of the fear that I have a fate that is not optimal.  Because we don’t know, do we?

I hope I don’t fuck this up.  I hope I can’t fuck it up as long as I am still playing.  I hope my adventure ends with a victory….

Happy choosing…

Cheers.

2 comments

  1. Wow intense and I love how you described emotions as characters!! Great metaphors, made so much sense in one way and another way it didn’t but life does that. If I were to put my emotions as characters, here is what I would say about me…
    Rebecca the seductive, sexy desirable by women and men (I’m not bi or a lesbian) she’s sly, sometimes mysterious and has secrets that only she and a select few know of. She can be a bitch if she gets upset and can lash out~but with words!

    Cassandra the soft spoken, shy, doesn’t want to come out of her shell. Sometimes hibernates away from society, can read ppl easily but does not want anyone to see through her. She puts up a mask-a disguise to hide the true silliness of depression hidden beneath the surface

    Amanda is pissed off at society, family, men, boyfriend everyone but her child. He is a saint-at least what he shows. Amanda has hidden pent up anger towards her dad, she loves him now but hates the man she had to be raised by. Now with a new family she learned to love her sister and brother took awhile sister is adopted as if she isn’t a good enough daughter. Will never be fully accepted. Amanda hates everything but acts out a play…she’s an angel on the outside kind helps everyone but a total fucking bitch full of pent up anger a time bomb waiting to go off on the inside. It is what it is

    Then there is a void-emptiness-despaire I call this: the black hole. It consumes happiness, energy and fun makes a person feel like pure shit. The black hole is like a tornado it will be months and months then suddenly it shows up and tears my fucking world apart.

    So, there you have it-my emotions as characters

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Love the comments jennielynna, Thank you so much! Yeah, a part of the not making sense may, in fact be credited to poor writing! ha! This was a new approach to my writing, which did make it difficult to flesh out some parts, but I am so glad you connected with it. And your emotive characters are awesome! I think we all have different personalities pent up inside and trying to all get along within us. They each get their turn emerging, leading, enhancing or destroying stuff, but they are all so necessary, even when we wish they would just sit the fuck down. Definitely relate to each one of your characters – Each so varied! love it! APPRECIATE so much you writing them out for my reading pleasure (and equally pleased to see you’re still in the groove of writing!) 🙂 ❤

      Like

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