I can’t get my shit straight, lately.
Everything I try to write seems to go off into 4 fucking different directions. Okay, maybe not 4 every time, but 2 at least.
And it’s a struggle.
I am trying to communicate these ideas out, but can’t commit to a side. I’ll start to write and it starts out with one message and then – oh, ho, ho, ho, no… it morphs into another fucking completely different message altogether, forcing you to either discard all the previous build up, or go against what you’re now feeling this schizophrenic flow is leading you in. And it got me thinking – man, this is how I feel inside. I am so fucking conflicted. (Direction #1)
I am in a suuuuuuper conflicted state right now. I feel torn. On one hand, I desperately want to leave my job. On the other, I desperately want to keep my paycheck. Lose my job or keep my paycheck. Lose my job or keep my paycheck. There is never a happy middle with that one.
Trust me – I’ve been at this phase in one form or another for over 10 years – with 4 different jobs… Just as soon as I make the leap, I’m good for a few months and keep finding myself right back where I started.
I have begun to peruse other jobs, with no excitement. I have begun to work my ass off to pay off my debt so I can hold a lesser paying, less demanding job instead of one that pays me this well (incomplete). I have done these things and yet I am pretty sure – another job isn’t really the answer. It’s going to just lead me here to this exhausted place I am in a year from now. (Direction #2)
I can’t get my fucking shit straight and I am going crazy.
And writing – ohhhh, writing. Both the love and bane of my existence.
I feel so full of words. So full of expression. And yet, I can’t hone in a single message lately. I can’t complete a sentence and I wrestle and fight with the words until the message becomes unrecognizable. And I need to produce. I don’t know why I feel this drive, but I need to produce. (Direction #3)
So I sit here, laptop in hand and just keep pounding away on these damned keys. I keep pushing for the message to flow out – at least a coherent thought that I can mold and mend. Instead I have a thousand half-chipped-away ‘sculptures’ in my files all bearing the semblance of the elephant man.
And isn’t that what we do? We chip away, discarding, starting new ones hoping that a blank slate will be the savior…
Isn’t that what we do? Pound away in frustration and anger that the gods didn’t bless your mind with the right words for the day…
Isn’t that what we do? Express exactly where we are at…Conflicted. Torn. Frustrated. (Direction #4).
Yep – it’s all these things. All these things – if not every day, then most days. 4 Directions that we pray to the gods are only leading you onward. And we keep going, with no immediate answers. Battling it out bat-shit-crazy like.
Welcome to the precipice of my mind (sorry for this one).