Clap. Clap. Clap.
Welp, today you caught me in an awkward place. Today, I am taking a long, hard (nah, it’s surprisingly easy, actually) look at my life. I am looking at what it is that I am saying out loud to others, in my head to myself, and yet, what I actually do. And the results are…
I don’t know what “veil” I am removing right now, but it feels good in a sad but refreshingly pure way. And I haven’t been able to do this before to this degree. I say it’s hard, but it really is easy (easy when you just simply see fucking reality! But I admit – it is kind of tricky as we hold onto all these underlying beliefs of things that we aren’t even aware of).
So what am I telling others and my true blue self? Oh, all kinds of things about my future, and my life and who I am. Hahahaha I am telling myself who I am instead of just looking at myself as if seeing myself from someone else’s perspective and noting, “yo, bruh-sis, that’s not who you are at all.”
Reality? Meet Ash.
Here’s the thing… what I DO is who I am (and news alert – that changes). I have all these goals, and dreams and things packed inside, but honestly? If I do nothing about them, what the fuck does it even matter? Well, it’s been feeding me with a bunch of hope, for sure. Living on the fumes of delusional hope for the future! Yeah. yeah…it’s actually been kind of nice. It’s like, I get to live in this fantasy world of who I think I am or becoming, and I don’t have to do a damned thing to get there! It’s Perfection! It’s wonderful! It’s such a wonderful fantasy place to live! Huzzah!
What I say to others is conservative, but? It’s a lie. (Conservative as in what I say to them ultimately leaves me with a “way out” if I am wrong or change my mind.) I tell people I want to start my own business. I am saying (and have said while at 2 separate jobs now to a select few co-workers, friends and family) “I will eventually LIKELY (I make sure to say “likely” for that way out!) start my own writing and art business and leave this job.” I say these things, and you know what the freaking comical thing is? I am not writing right now (with any sort of consistency, if at all). I am not doing ANY artwork. Seriously – I don’t even know when is the last time I just doodled something. I STILL am saying this and actually just said it to someone last week! HA! Here I am telling people, “I want this creative life.” And honestly, I am not doing SHIT about it. Nothing. Nada. Zip. I just keep going through the motions of my day, my week, my routine which is anything but creative. I am wonderful at making excuses in my mind on why I don’t feel like it, or it’s not the right time (Clearly I am waiting for that unicorn thought to come in my head, shake me out of my chaos and just all of a sudden make me 100% committed to what I say I am going to do).
Also during this long, hard look at my life, I also am supremely comically amazed at what I am telling MYSELF. MYSELF. The one true person I can be unequivocally, wholeheartedly, unabashedly, unashamedly honest with. And I am still lying to her too. Not intentionally of course. But it’s definitely happening. Aye ya ya…
But let’s look at it – fa realz…
I keep telling myself I am going to be a successful writer. Not successful as in literary successful. No, not like that. But the dream is that my words could actually help people (and pay my bills). That’s the fantasy that I have been clinging to. And yet, in my head, somehow, I have adopted this identity that I already am doing it – WITHOUT DOING IT… ahem… Ma’am… you forgot to put on pants. How the hell can someone be a writer who doesn’t write? It simply cannot be. It simply cannot exist, at all, except for in my wildly fooled and delusional head.
Next? I keep telling myself I am going to build this great business with my art. “Fuck the concept that artists are starving. Hell yeah! I’m gonna do it!” But somehow, again, I SEE myself as an artist – already. Well, news alert. Just because you created your last piece 2 years ago, an artist does not make. I haven’t done a single work of art for almost 2 years. NOT ONE. Well, maybe a tiny little doodle here and there, but my god… who am I kidding? HOW DID I FOOL EVEN MYSELF???
I also say I want to get really in shape/lose weight (I am up 21 pounds from where I really would “like” to be). But my eating habits will clearly tell you otherwise! Shit, I say that as I unwrap another dove chocolate and shove it into my mouth hole… yeah, lieeeessss. I WANT to really get in shape. But I don’t want to do anything about it. But? You guessed it. In my mind, I see myself as this fit person. I have actually thought myself into delusion about where I am and what I am doing. Sure, I’ll work out here and there lately (with no consistency), but I am not really doing what it takes to be the thing I say I want to be.
I am not doing ANY of the things I say I want to do, build my business on, or create the life I want. Literally. I have not been doing ANYTHING. And right now, this is so fucking hilarious to me. It’s so simple, and yet, something I haven’t been willing to face yet. Honestly, I haven’t been ABLE to face it. I don’t think I really knew how. But lately, I am looking at everything, and I am like, “Damn, bruh-sis… this path you wanna take is gonna be hella long, betch. Cuz you ain’t even doing nuthin to get going and we still gots like years to go on this thang…” (apparently, Snoop Dogg is my higher perspective).
It’s funny to me now because somehow I am actually in a place to finally see it. With real clarity. I think before I would catch a glimpse it, then freak out because perhaps I didn’t want to confront what it meant about me (couldn’t accept reality). So I’d pick up again, try to force things, and would make it into something it wasn’t, or make it about having to “produce” something, then burn out.
I am not doing the very things I say I want in my life. And yet, “How have I been complicit in creating the conditions I say I don’t want?” (Jerry Colonna) Because boy o’ boy – it’s not up to anyone else but me.
The point of all of this? I am simply not doing the very things I say I want to do. That’s it. That is the reality of it all. I am completely complicit at this point in being average. I am average. Average job (depending on who’s comparing). Average relationship (depending on who’s comparing). Average routine (again, depending on who’s comparing). Average life. Average, average, average. Just another girl who talks a bunch of fluff on big dreams and won’t quite put one foot in front of the other. Commitment issues? Perhaps.
And this is okay. I might stay this way, and I might not. Neither way matters, honestly. It might trigger sadness in me if I go one way, and fear if I go the other, but in the grand scheme of life and love and all that is good, it doesn’t really matter. I could see out the next 40 years of my life doing this average thing, and that would be acceptable. Truly. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, honestly. Not even me. Because it’s your life, your choice and you get to do yours the way you want to. But something about this truly looking through the window, unfogged, sun shining with the disappointing results? It’s good. Something about it is refreshing. Something about it is… true. Accepting reality just as it is. Doesn’t mean it won’t change. Doesn’t mean it will. It’s just that right now, in this very moment I am in full acceptance of the fact that I have lied to myself quite a bit. I have also lied to other people because I have said I was going to do this, or that, but have not. Was it done maliciously or with any ill intent? Nope. I was just delusional… it was done in unawareness. Because the funny thing is when you actually are aware of what you are, and the truth about yourself, you don’t want to tell people. You don’t need to. You just do it. Because you just do what you are.
I want to start doing what I AM right now and stop thinking about who I will be “then.” If that is not art today, then I let that be. If that is not writing today, then I let that be too. If that is not actually working out and getting to that strong body I “say” I want, then I shall let it be. But it also still could be all of those things at another time when I actually start doing those things (even tomorrow). Honestly, that would be great. But if not, that is also okay because at least I’ll be true to myself, today, and I’ll accept that in and of me, today. What I don’t think I can do anymore is lie and puff myself up about something I am not being. Because you are what you do. No if’s, and’s or but’s about it. I think the fog is clearing around my “high” hopes.
So what does one do with this realization? Accept it. It’s honestly fucking liberating as hell. Wait, is hell liberating? I dunno. But it sure feels good. It may never change, but the first step is acceptance. Don’t judge it. Just accept as if you were accepting that someone called a chair a chair. You don’t have to put all these other meanings on it. It just is what it is. Then live each moment however it plays out. Drop the concept of what it means, accept it, accept where you are now, and be free.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Carl Rogers
Be free, you. Be free.